The 10 Worst Stoner Text Mistakes

Submitted to The Plug’s Pages by Michael Haze

Weed has given us many gifts — peace, laughter, creativity, and the sudden realization that nachos at 3 a.m. are a spiritual experience. But let’s be honest: it has also ruined more text conversations than autocorrect ever could.

If you’ve ever stared at your phone and thought, “This message is genius,” only to cringe at it the next morning… welcome to the club. Here are the 10 worst stoner text mistakes that prove your phone should come with a built-in bong lock.

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1. The Dealer Love Confession

Text: “Yo, you got eighths? Also, love you bro 😘 don’t ever leave me.”
He delivered the weed. He did not deliver emotional support.

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2. Grandma Didn’t Need to Know

Text: “Just rolled the fattest blunt of my life, abuelita 🔥🔥🔥”
Her reply: “Proud of you, mijo?” Now I’m not sure if she was serious, sarcastic, or secretly rolling her own.

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3. The Boss Invite

Text at 2:47 a.m.: “Do u want some nugs?”
I meant chicken nuggets. He thought I was offering weed. Either way, I did not get promoted.

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4. Stoner GPS Fail

Text: “I’m outside.”
Reality: I was outside the wrong house, bonding with someone else’s dog for 20 minutes.

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5. The Existential Crisis Text

Text: “Do you think trees are just nature’s Wi-Fi towers?”
No response. Pretty sure I lost that friend to sobriety.

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6. Crush Confusion

Text to my crush: “If you were a dab, you’d be shatter. Pure, golden, and break me every time.”
She blocked me. Permanently. Honestly, can’t blame her.

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7. Mom Deserved Better

Text: “Bring papers.”
Mom thought I meant legal documents. I meant rolling papers. Now I’m grounded at age 34.

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8. The Accidental Group Chat

Text: “I’m higher than Snoop Dogg in space.”
Sent to the family group chat. Aunt Linda replied with Bible verses. Dad replied, “Nice.”

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9. The Half-Eaten Reply

Text: “Bro I’m gonna eat this entire pizza by myse”
And then I fell asleep. Woke up with a half-slice on my chest and 14 unread “?” replies.

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10. The Autocorrect Setup

Text: “Just packed the BONG.”
Autocorrect: “Just packed the BANK.”
Pretty sure the FBI has me on a list now.

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The Takeaway

High texting is a dangerous sport. The memes are forever, the embarrassment is eternal, and the screenshots will haunt you at every family gathering.

So next time you get lit, remember: sometimes silence is golden… and sometimes it’s just safer to hand your phone to the sober guy.